Dead Clarissa

WARNING! Carry on reading! Or you will die,

(I love being threatened by my emails)

even if you only looked at the word warning! Once there was a little girl called Clarissa, she was ten-years-old and she lived in a mental hospital, because she killed her mom and her dad.

(Kids nowadays are so violent. Must be all those video games)

She got so bad she went to kill all the staff in the hospital so the -government decided that best idea was to get rid of her

(See? Death Panels courtesy of Obama. Conservatives tried to warn us but we didn’t listen)

so they set up a special room to kill her, as humane as possible but it went wrong the machine they were using went wrong. And she sat there in agony for hours until she died.

(no lethal injection? No bullet to the brain? You don’t even need a special room for those. It’s just like the government to waste tax payer moneys on elaborate death machines)

Now every week on the day of her death she returns to the person that reads this letter, on a monday night at 12:00a.m.

(What if more than one person doesn’t send this along? Does she appear in everyone’s room simultaneous or does she have a schedule to follow?)

She creeps into your room and kills you slowly, by cutting you and watching you bleed to death.

(Oh great, a cutter.)

Now send this to ten other people on this one site, and she will haunt someone else who doesn't.

(On what one site? Which site? I’mma die and all because this email didn’t tell me what site to post it on. Better spam all the sites. I’ll start with the pornos)

This isn't fake.

(Ghosts randomly appearing at midnight to kill you in cold blood, totally believable.)

apparently, if u copy and paste this to ten comments in the next ten minutes u will have the best day of ur life tomorrow. u will either get kissed or asked out,

(Some people have incredibly low standards of “Best day of ur life”)

if u break this chain u will see a little dead girl in your room tonight. in 53 mins someone will say i love you or I'm sorry

Example 1: Jenny didn’t believe this and deleted it without even reading. the whole thing! A few days. later on the monday night, she was woken up by loud footsteps. and heavy breathing, there was. Clarissa standing there with a huge knife

(Is that all? What happened next? Usually when people say “example 1” there’s more than one example)

Dead Girl

My name is Summer, I am 15 years old. I have blonde hair and blue eyes.

(Oh, I like where this is going.)

I have no nose or ears,

(Ew, not anymore. Girl, get yourself some plastic or something)

my body is covered with scars.

(Tell them you got it protecting innocent kids from a gang. That’s what I do and I get….none of the pussy. Never mind, ignore me)

Didn't I tell you I'm dead.

(Psh, nah girl. Must’ve forgot to tell me that, like you forgot that question mark. Don’t feel bad. Sometimes I forget stuff too, like turning off the oven, leaving the light on, answering the door butt naked)

My dad..killed me with a kitchen knife in the year 2001.

(It was a rough year for a lot of us.)

It's ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... up to you if you re-post this or not, but this is no lie.

(15 year old dead girls talking to me through email, oh yeah, totally believable.)

This is FOR REAL!

(Aight girl, I believe you.)

Now, copy this and pasteit onto the walls of 10 other pages or groups

(10 other pages and groups? On facebook? Baby, I’m not even a member of that many groups.)

Your time is runnin. See more This isn't fake.

(It must be. No fake email would ever continue to tell me it isn’t fake. Just isn’t good manners)

if you copy and paste this to ten pages in the next ten minutes u will have the best day of ur life tomorrow .

(I’ll win 15 games in a row on League of Legends?)

U will either get kissed or asked out,

(Well, considering that the only people I see are family…I’ll have to pass on that. Ok, what’s my punishment for not passing this along?)

if you break this chain u will see a little dead girl in your room tonight.

(Ah dammit. Cops aint never gonna believe she got there herself. They’re gonna throw my black ass in jail.)

I WILL APPEAR TONIGHT UNDER YOUR BED,

(Kinda crowded under there. I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting dead people to mysteriously appear under there. If I knew, I’d clean it up before you got here)

YOU WILL HEAR ME.... AND SEE ME FOR ONLY A SECOND....... BUT WITH MY KNIFE..... I WILL KILL YOU.

(All for not annoying people with this email? Dayum girl, you serious.)

In 53 mins someone will say i love you or im sorry or i wanna go out with you.

(With my luck, some chick is just gonna say she’s sorry and split with my best friend, just like the last one.)

Bloody Mary

THIS EMAIL HAS BEEN CURSED ONCE OPENED YOU MUST SEND IT.

(Ah dammit! Don’t I just have rotten luck)

You are now cursed.

(You don’t need to tell me that. I can already tell by how my life turned out)

You must send this on or you will be killed.

(That’s cool. I wasn’t too fond of living.)

Tonight at 12:00am, by Bloody Mary.

(The drink? What, do they think I’m allergic to tomatoes or something?)

This is no joke.

(If you say so)

So don't think you can quickly get out of it and delete it now

(Oh damn, you foiled my plan)

because Bloody Mary will come to you if you do not send this on. She will slit your throat and your wrists and pull your eyeballs out with a fork.

(Damn, she feisty. I like that)

And then hang your dead corpse in your bedroom cupboard or put you under your bed.

(Hang in a bedroom cupboard? Do they thing I’m a midget? Under the bed sounds coo, though)

What's your parents going to do when they find you dead?

(Collect that sweet life insurance?)

Won't be funny then, will it?

(We won’t know till we try)

Don't think this is a fake

(Thought never crossed my mind)

and it's all put on to scare you because your wrong,

(My wrong?)

so very wrong. Want to hear of some of the sad, sad people who lost their lives or have been seriously hurt by this email?

(No)

CASE ONE –

(I said no!)

Annalise [Surname Removed] :She got this email. Rubbish she thought. She deleted it. And now, Annalise dead.

(I never liked Annalise [Surname Removed] anyway)
CASE TWO -
Louise [Surname Removed]: She sent this to only 4 people and when she woke up in the morning her wrists had deep lacerations on each. Luckily there was no pain felt, though she is scarred for life.

(Is that all it takes to scare Louise? I got the perfect prank for her)

CASE THREE -
Thomas [Surname Removed]: He sent this to 5 people. Big mistake. The night Thomas was lying in his bed watching T.V. The clock shows '12:01am'. The T.V misteriously flickered off and Thomas's bedroom lamp flashed on and off several times. It went pitch black, Thomas looked to the left of him and there she was, Bloody Mary standing in white rags. Blood everywhere with a knife in her hand then disappeared. The biggest fright of Thomas's life.

(Bloody Mary reminds me of this chick I knew. Held contempt for you over the littlest thing. You yell the wrong name out once, ONCE, and all the sudden she be calling you a dog.)

Warning... NEVER look in a mirror and repeat -'Bloody Mary.Bloody Mary.' Bloody Mary... I KILLED YOUR SON'

(She thinks I killed her son? Of course she blames the Black guy)

Is it the end for you tonight!

(We can only hope)

YOU ARE NOW CURSED 

We strongly advise you to send this email on. It is seriously NO JOKE. We don't want to see another life wasted. ITS YOUR CHOICE... WANNA DIE TONIGHT? If you send this email to...

NO PEOPLE - You're going to die.

(finally, the sweet embrace of death)

1-5 PEOPLE - You're going to either get hurt or get the biggest fright of your life.

(Oh no, a woman appeared at my bedside unexpectedly.)

5-15 PEOPLE - You will bring your family bad luck and someone close to you will die.

(I never liked them much anyway)

15 -25 OR MORE PEOPLE - You are safe from Bloody Mary

(What happens if I get over 25? Do I get to do it with Bloody Mary? Quite a story to brag to the fellahs about.)

Chain Memes

Rape Gang

***WARNING***

Please circulate this following warning to everyone you know.

(Got it. All 3 people I know will be notified)

This actually happened a few weeks ago right here near Fairfield in Brisbane.

(Of course it happened. Why would a chain letter lie?)

It was early evening and a young lady stopped to get petrol at a Quix. She filled her tank and walked into the store to pay for her petrol. The cashier told her "Don't pay for your petrol yet.....walk around the store for a while and act as if you're picking up some other things to buy. A man just got into the back of your car. I've called the police and they're on their way".

(That cashier is strangely observant and incredibly quick. He not only saw someone sneak into the car but quickly called the police and explained the situation all in a few seconds)

When the police arrived, they found the man in the back seat of the girl's car and asked him what he was doing. He replied, he was joining a gang and the initiation to join is to kidnap a woman and bring her back to the gang to be raped by every member of the gang. If the woman was still alive by the time they finish with her then they let her go.

(That guy is unusually frank with his plans. I bet he’d give you his bank account and social security number if you asked nicely. And, if she’s alive, they even let her go after they’re done because she probably has things to do and it would be rude to keep her for too long.)

According to the police that night, there is a new gang forming here originating from Wetherill Park. The scary part of this is because the guy didn't have a weapon on him

(And how was he going to kidnap her? Ask her nicely?)

the police could only charge him with trespassing.

(He just admitted to an attempted kidnapping, attempted rape and attempted murder and none of those charges could stick?! Maybe this gang member isn’t the dumbest person in this story.)

.... He's back on the street and free to try again.

(No problem, just ask him to not kidnap you. He sounds like a dense nice enough guy)

Please be aware of what's going on around you and for your family and friends. LADIES you or one of your family and friends could be the next victim.

Email Beta

Here something that you might want to read it was on the news . 

(Oh right, I remember. It was on the That’s Bull**** News Network. Your number 1 source for Bull**** News)

Dear Friends, 

(I don’t befriend imbeciles)

Please do not take this for a junk letter. Bill Gates is sharing his fortune.

(Yeah, with starving children in Africa. All you need to do is be impoverished and you can get a small portion of that sweet, M$ money.)

If you ignore this you will repent later.

(Dear Jesus, forgive me for ignoring some bull**** chain letter. I didn’t know it was going to offend you.)

Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies and in an effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the most widely used program,

(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail beta test.

(They’re just now beta testing email? Wait till someone tells them about facebook)

When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will track it if you are a Microsoft Windows user for a two week time period.

(Microsoft can do the impossible, but only if you’re not a dirty mac user.)

For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay you $245.00, for every person that you sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for every third person that receives it, you will be paid $241.00.

(Why can’t I get the full $245 for each pass on? Why you gotta play me like that, M$?)

Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you for your address and then send you a cheque.

(Oh, a cheque. How fancy)

Regards.
Charles S. Bailey
General Manager Field Operations
[CONTACT DETAILS REMOVED]

(This guy is so committed to this project, he doesn’t want to be contacted)

I thought this was a scam myself, but two weeks after receiving this e-mail and forwarding it on, Microsoft contacted me for my address and within days, I received a cheque for US$24,800.00.

(Wait, how did you get the money if this is the first time you sent this out? You mean you can send out multiple emails?)

You need to respond before the beta testing is over. If anyone can afford this Bill Gates is the man.

(As we all know, Gates got rich by carelessly throwing money at random people for stupid reasons. It’s what rich people do.)

It's all marketing expense to him.

(That’s some expensive marketing, especially since they’re not even selling a product)

Please forward this to as many people as possible. You are bound to get at least US$10,000.00.

(And cause rampant inflation, but lets not get into economics now.)

We're not going to help them out with their e-mail beta test without getting a little something for our time.

(I’m sure he’ll reward us with the finger and a laugh at falling for this stupid crap)

My brother's girlfriend got in on this a few months ago. When I went to visit him for the Baylor/UT game.

(Thanks for the incomplete sentence. How can I not trust a person with intelligence like yours?)

She showed me her check. It was for the sum of $4,324.44 and was stamped "Paid In Full".

(Hey! You guaranteed at least $10,000 a few lines earlier and now some bimbo only got 4k? And how the hell is she getting cents when the email rates all end on the dollar?)

Like I said before, I know the law,

(You never said you knew the law. But if a nameless internet person says they do, it must be true. After all, who would lie on the internet?)

and this is for real Intel and AOL are now discussing a merger which would make them the largest Internet company and in an effort make sure that AOL remains the most widely used program,

(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh, I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe! Get me an oxygen mask, stat!)

Intel and AOL are running an e-mail beta test. 

(So much for Microsoft and Bill Gates, within a few sentences Microsoft went from a huge marketing budget to f**k this sh*t. You’d think a chain letter would at least keep lies consistent. I mean, you even bragged about the guy personally and how he could definitely fund this for marketing just a few lines back. I am ashamed of you, chain letter. Whatever happened to the days where we put time and effort into scams that waste people time? What does it say about America when even our scammers are lazy?)

Old Lady

THIS IS TRUE -SO BE CAREFUL If YOU SHOP THERE!

(It must be true. After all, it’s illegal to say something is true when it’s not)

Just be aware there's some nutters out there!

(Some of them spend their time making chain letters to scare stupid people)

This is scary!!!

(I just shat my pants)

HEAVIEST STORY!!!!!!

(this story weighs 500 pounds, a world record)

 A colleague of mine at work (Belinda) has just gathered us girls and told us that her gf that works at the Galleria shopping Centre in Morley had a bit of a situation just over a week ago and all females in Perth should know about it!

(The friend who sent me this must be real confused about my gender, and also where I live since I don’t know where any of these places are).

Her friend came out of work after 5:30pm and walked up to her car to find an old lady standing next to it and her car had a smashed window.

(Old ladies be trippin!)

The old woman said that she had seen the smashed window and she had stood by the car for 20 mins as she didn't want anyone to come along and steal something out of it.

(If the window was smashed, doesn’t that mean someone already stole what they wanted?)

The girl was really grateful and the old lady explained she had missed her bus in the process and asked if she could get a lift.

(I bet the old lady broke the window just so she could get a free lift.)

The young girl agreed and within a few minutes she noticed that the nanna had really manly hands, so she panicked

(Dayum girl, is that all it takes for you to go ape-s**t?)

and didn't know what to do so she ran into the back of the car in front of her at a really slow speed but enough to make the other ppl get out of the car,

(Uh, what? Was she driving? When did that happen? You crashed into someone’s car just because a lady had man hands?)

the police were called

(Over man-hands lady? Jeez, why don’t you just bust her balls while you’re at it)

 and the old lady ran and soon after the cops found a rope and a knife under the passenger seat.

(?_? So, girl is into some freaky stuff. Oh wait, the old lady was the one who did this. What was her plan? Get a free ride then threaten to cut and hang her?)

This happened in May 2010 on the streets of Perth.

TELL ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS!!!

(Watch out, peeps. There’s some crazy girl that gets scared real easy and will rear-end you for the littlest of reason)

The Police have said there was a similar case of it happening south of the river

(Girl, everything happens in the south.)